Husband & Wife Joke

[poghmahone]

;)

Husband: Honey, why don't ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?

Wife: Because you're never here. :schilder017:

[Jarheadgerald]

Now that was just bad, but I loved it lol.

[kmarier2001]

:schilder017: Now that there is funny, I don't care who you are:D

[AT_USMC]

ok here is a good joke. A wife says to her husband, " Tell me something good but dirty." The husband replies, "Your the wettest out of all of your friends."

[gunga55]

welcome aboard by the way AT

[HMC8404]

ok here is a good joke. A wife says to her husband, " Tell me something good but dirty." The husband replies, "Your the wettest out of all of your friends."
... She replies, "And you're the smallest but thickest of all of your friends." ;)

[rkdian]

This thread should be titled "sic adult jokes"! LOL
Welcome to the hangout, AT.

[V8403]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

[AT_USMC]

Hahaha those are great!!! Thanks for the welcome.

[rkdian]

sexist joke....
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?

none if the +++++ in the kitchen is doing her job!

[AT_USMC]

lmao! Thats what I said before I clicked to see the answer!

[HMC8404]

Hahaha those are great!!! Thanks for the welcome.
Thank YOU for your service to our country. :D

[rkdian]

how far can I go with this??

A man and his one nighter are lying smoking afterwards. She is gazing longingly and stroking him. The attention is arousing so he asks, "Do you want more of that?" She looks into his eyes and responds

(no one under 18 allowed to look!!)
"No I was just reminiscing. I use to have one."

[kmarier2001]

how far can I go with this??

A man and his one nighter are lying smoking afterwards. She is gazing longingly and stroking him. The attention is arousing so he asks, "Do you want more of that?" She looks into his eyes and responds

(no one under 18 allowed to look!!)
"No I was just reminiscing. I use to have one."


LMAO! The other one you posted was funny, as well, Renee!


Hey AT_USMC ~ Welcome to the board! It's good to meet you and thanks for serving our Country:) Oh, and thanks for the joke, as well:D Jump right on into the threads ~ you've found yourself an awesome family here ~ enjoy!

[1marineslady]

Just a reminder keep it clean. And do not go over board on the adult rated jokes. We do have a younger crowd here also.

[gunga55]

good advise Melissa. Some one has to run the street cleaner to clean up the gutter around here some times.

[rkdian]

Reprimand accepted Melissa. I knew I was pushing it, hence the starting line of the post.

[army_fiancee]

LOL Those are good!!!

[V8403]

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

[poghmahone]

how far can I go with this??

A man and his one nighter are lying smoking afterwards. She is gazing longingly and stroking him. The attention is arousing so he asks, "Do you want more of that?" She looks into his eyes and responds

(no one under 18 allowed to look!!)
"No I was just reminiscing. I use to have one."
HA! That was a classic. Keep it up, if you'll excuse the pun.:schilder017:

[poghmahone]

lmao! Thats what I said before I clicked to see the answer!
Welcome aboard, AT. You shoulg be able to enjoy yourself here. I see the Marine Corps' humor hasn't subsided in the 33 + years I have been away. Thanks for serving this great nation of ours and if YOU need ANYTHING, just drop a line and I/we will see what we can do for you.

SF,

Doc Pogh :rolleyes:

[army_fiancee]

Got one I thought I would share...

A husbands been sitting on the sofa for 4 hours staring at his marriage license; so his wife asks him what he is doing. He says looking for the expiration date on this m-fer!!!!

[epmosich]

hey everyone, i'm back....got a joke to add.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 Years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[gunga55]

erik long time no see and thanks

[epmosich]

yeah, i've been busy with stuff, gotta new girl in my life now. I guess i'm back on the crazy train. hahaha

[1marineslady]

Hey now that one was hilarious. I would like her to talk herself out of that one.
Have fun on the crazy train.. E

[kmarier2001]

Hey there Erik! Welcome back! Thanks for the laugh, as well. That was a good one:)

[rkdian]

Heyya stranger!! Good to see you! Glad you got someone to pass the time with again. I suppose you put the guitar down when you picked her up, huh?

[gunga55]

That may have been his lame pick up line.
"I play the guitar baby"

[V8403]

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.:eek:

[poghmahone]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My wife wanted me to take her someplace really expensive for our Anniversary, so I took her to the Shell station. :schilder017:

[poghmahone]

Hey now that one was hilarious. I would like her to talk herself out of that one.
Have fun on the crazy train.. E
Just remember that the "E" train stops in Harlem.

[poghmahone]

That may have been his lame pick up line.
"I play the guitar baby"
Now, he's strumming her strings and playing her tune! :schilder017:

[V8403]

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. :eek:

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.":schilder017:

[epmosich]

it's not just a pickup line. She still hasn't heard me play the guitar....i don't need a pickup line i'm that good ;)

[gunga55]

Erik every one can play the 1st few bars of smoke on the water it does not make you good.

[V8403]

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since." :banghead: :eek:

[rkdian]

it's not just a pickup line. She still hasn't heard me play the guitar....i don't need a pickup line i'm that good ;)

:schilder017::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsfl ag:And by the way...:bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

[V8403]

bout five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

[gunga55]

you should have seen the sign then John.

[V8403]

What can I say she is a Blond :eek:

[kmarier2001]

Too funny. Thanks all for the laughs!

[V8403]

A man and his wife were lying in bed one night when the hubby noticed that his wife had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million Women Want.”
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages,
His wife was a little annoyed.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.” :D

[gunga55]

Ah sounds like something that I would do although my Name isn't to hard to spell. It must be hard to remember though because my girlfriend can never get my name right.

[rkdian]

Ah sounds like something that I would do although my Name isn't to hard to spell. It must be hard to remember though because my girlfriend can never get my name right.


Oh what a cavernous door this is!!!!
ugh....what the heck!
Is this before, during or after? ;)

[gunga55]

the answer is Yes, Renee

on a side note it is in green for a reason. I know that I never joke around so one may take me serious when I say things like that. After that terrible zestier accident though it no longer matters.

[rkdian]

the answer is Yes, Renee

on a side note it is in green for a reason. I know that I never joke around so one may take me serious when I say things like that. After that terrible zestier accident though it no longer matters.


green print so noted. hence the green reply. because I never joke around ao one may take me seriously when I say things like that. :p:D

[gunga55]

what no comment about the zestier accident

[rkdian]

what no comment on my misspelling so?

[epmosich]

wow, i don't sign on for a couple days, and you guys already took me out of the convo.....jeesh, can' the eye candy get any love here???? :(...lol

[lima33doc]

wow, i don't sign on for a couple days, and you guys already took me out of the convo.....jeesh, can' the eye candy get any love here???? :(...lolCouple of days? The last post was on the 5th...lol

[V8403]

what no comment about the zestier accident


I seem to have a zest for life; the zestier the better, although I'm finding
there are limits. :D

[gunga55]

well it would have helped if I spelled it right thats what I get for relying on firefox to correct my bad spelling. It should have been zester accident.
here is a link with a pic I could of course post the pic here but alas I am to lazy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Zesting_an_orange.jpg

[V8403]

OK you use an Orange zester and I
I use a lemon zester, but I've ended up zesting my thumb by accident. You have to be careful, they're sharp little buggers. I know they are the same tool but what the heck :eek:

https://www.surfasonline.com/images/products/5370L.jpg

[gunga55]

yes they are

I have never heard of any one actually getting hurt by a zester out side of my bad joke.

[rkdian]

Eric, dear, eye candy or no eye candy, a guy's gotta give a little love to get a little love. ;)

[V8403]

Eric, dear, eye candy or no eye candy, a guy's gotta give a little love to get a little love. ;)

These are the 10 mistakes you need to avoid when meeting and dating women:


Being Too Much Of A "Nice" Guy

Trying To "Convince" Her To Like You

Looking For Her Approval Or Permission

Trying To Buy Affection With Food And Gifts

Sharing How You "Feel" Too Early With Her

Not "Getting" How Attraction Works For Her

Thinking That It Takes Money And Looks

Giving Away All Of Your Power To Women

Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation
A woman always knows what you’re thinking.
I know, it might be hard to believe.
But if you’re out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don’t know HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won’t help!
And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.
If you don’t know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.


Not Getting Help
This is the biggest mistake of all.
This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want.
I know, guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help. ;)

[rkdian]

I don't agree with all of those, but that is just me. ;)

[kmarier2001]

I don't agree with all of those, but that is just me. ;)


I don't either, but thats just me, as well. Nice guys are a good thing, just as food and gifts are...lol..just kidding on that one! It by no means takes money and looks. It takes a personality. Without a personality, things can get pretty dull, pretty quick. I mean, you have to be able to hold a good conversation, you know??

[rkdian]

I don't either, but thats just me, as well. Nice guys are a good thing, just as food and gifts are...lol..just kidding on that one! It by no means takes money and looks. It takes a personality. Without a personality, things can get pretty dull, pretty quick. I mean, you have to be able to hold a good conversation, you know??


And the topic of conversation CANNOT always be about S-E-X!!

[V8403]

I do not agree with all of them my self they are just some pointers I have read about. as for me, I have been laugh at all of my life by women , and when I do think I found the right one I get one that turns out to be a ______________

[Trapper]

And the topic of conversation CANNOT always be about S-E-X!!
It could, but does not have to be...there is football...

[7YearsLater]

I don't either, but thats just me, as well. Nice guys are a good thing, just as food and gifts are...lol..just kidding on that one! It by no means takes money and looks. It takes a personality. Without a personality, things can get pretty dull, pretty quick. I mean, you have to be able to hold a good conversation, you know??
Yes personality matters. My John is broke, but when I need a laugh, no one but him will prance around the house in pink shoes singing "I Feel Pretty".

[V8403]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

[V8403]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said "WHAT? What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT? I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[mkennedy]

It could, but does not have to be...there is football...

One wonders if combining them is even better ...

Nevermind, you might miss the score;););)

[lima33doc]

One wonders if combining them is even better ...

Nevermind, you might miss the score;););)

It kind of goes along with a good Redneck and NASCAR joke, but it is not suitable for all ages, so I will not post it...lol

[V8403]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

[gunga55]

So why didn't they just get a coffee pot that does it automatically
Ok but it was kind of funny

[rkdian]

That's a good one. Here's another that's similar that I like:

Husband tells his wife, "Your butt is as big as my new gas grill!" Later husband tries to get lucky. Wife says, "I'm not firing up this big grill for one little weiner!"

[kmarier2001]

Keep them coming! I'm having a crappy @ss week at work, so far, and the laughs are doing me good! Thanks all!

[gunga55]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot.

THE END http://www.heritagespringer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[lee_lu25]

LOL! Gunga, you made my day:) I'm laughing so hard.