poghmahone
October 20th, 2008, 15:51
Hey There,
I finally hit a bump on Catharsis Road that I could not navigate around or through. The PTSD class has churned up dark memories which I had buried and stored in a locked compartment of my brain. The class was enabled to pry that lid loose and my demons have been making me question my existence. Who am I? I'm a husband, father and disabled veteran. I'm trying to be a better husband, and as equally important, become a better father to my son.
In addition to being almost 15, I know that my son has to push me away to become independent and that to do that, he has to push all of my buttons and trigger behavior and PSTD behavioral mannerisms; whereas I have to not respond to his barbs and disrept and remain calm. Once he helps enflame the PTSD trigger, we end up fighting, no matter how long or hard I try not to exacerbate the conforntation.
I see other people do it with more kids to handle and protect and it seems so easy and manageable and I don't know how to do it. When I'm at a forced gathering of strangers (Willie's soccer games), my wife and son says that no one likes me because of past adverse behavior, both on and of the field. I used to criticize and obsess over the coach and the way he coached the team, focussing on the system that enables some kids who do not need to try out because they're coaches' kids. I can see that otherwise no teams would have coaches. But this year, an ex-coach's kid was selected by the head coach who is a friend of his. If the kid had possesed ANY talent, it would be one thing, but he seems like he doesn't even care if he's there or not, it's because his dad wants to see him play.
I got into it with that dad, who is a CPA who raises a moderate amount of funds for the team, and guess I offended him by calling him an xsshole or incompent xsshole... somethig like that. When we pass I say hi and he pretty much ignores me. I've learned not to let him hear me mutter moth**f*cker under my breath. I think the system's rigged, thaat it teahes kids not to fully have faith and trust that their coaches have their best ineterst in mind. I think it's wrong and I am very candid about it. My wife says I am brutal when I speak about things I don't like -- about anyone and/or anything that hits those triggers. You can't just stop the symptoms of PTSD once they've started.
My wife tells me that I'm not the kind of person who suffers fools... at all. I have a stream of consciousness thought pattern where I think, then say things without first engaging my brain and filtering out the things that people don't like. She reminds me that I'm the adult, but even at the double-nickel, I can readily admit that my emotional growth stopped when I was 22 and in Vietnam. When I get stressed out, the PTSD takes over.
For this part of the class, they said it was OK to take more on the anti-anxiety drugs to stay mellow when times got bumpy. I ended up taking 6 mg. of Clonipin a day (two 1 mg tabs every 6 hours). It really f*cked me up and I had trouble walking and staying on my feet, but I was happy and content and not feeling any pain (emotional or physical).
In trying to make my relationship to my son a better one (we're mirror images of ourselves, me having been his role model, so he's a copy of me. I would imagine then that it's my fault that he is that way because I hate it... and realize that those to whom I directed it proabaly felt the same way. I asked what he wanted and he told me NOT to come to his games. He haated hearing that he was a great player but had a crazy and lazy father while all the other kid's parents worked and were successful. He disrespects my service and gets angry about it (none of the other parents or any of the coaches served in the armed forces).
After they went to bed, I had a brief thought of what kind of pistol I should buy but realized that sucking on the end of a .45 wasn't the answer. I had to dig deep inside and quell the violence I've kept hidden for so long. I called the VA Crisis/Suicide Hotline and spoke with one of the counselors for about an hour and she helped me understand that in spite of what others thought, that I was a good man with a good heart.
The PTSD social worker I saw this morning for an hour and a half told me pretty much the same thing and I feel a little better. She also reminded me that for me to heal, that it was good to FEEL things, so that they can be dealt with and I can move on with my life.
I was wondering what any of you thought? I'm open to ideas.
SF,
Larry:rolleyes:
I finally hit a bump on Catharsis Road that I could not navigate around or through. The PTSD class has churned up dark memories which I had buried and stored in a locked compartment of my brain. The class was enabled to pry that lid loose and my demons have been making me question my existence. Who am I? I'm a husband, father and disabled veteran. I'm trying to be a better husband, and as equally important, become a better father to my son.
In addition to being almost 15, I know that my son has to push me away to become independent and that to do that, he has to push all of my buttons and trigger behavior and PSTD behavioral mannerisms; whereas I have to not respond to his barbs and disrept and remain calm. Once he helps enflame the PTSD trigger, we end up fighting, no matter how long or hard I try not to exacerbate the conforntation.
I see other people do it with more kids to handle and protect and it seems so easy and manageable and I don't know how to do it. When I'm at a forced gathering of strangers (Willie's soccer games), my wife and son says that no one likes me because of past adverse behavior, both on and of the field. I used to criticize and obsess over the coach and the way he coached the team, focussing on the system that enables some kids who do not need to try out because they're coaches' kids. I can see that otherwise no teams would have coaches. But this year, an ex-coach's kid was selected by the head coach who is a friend of his. If the kid had possesed ANY talent, it would be one thing, but he seems like he doesn't even care if he's there or not, it's because his dad wants to see him play.
I got into it with that dad, who is a CPA who raises a moderate amount of funds for the team, and guess I offended him by calling him an xsshole or incompent xsshole... somethig like that. When we pass I say hi and he pretty much ignores me. I've learned not to let him hear me mutter moth**f*cker under my breath. I think the system's rigged, thaat it teahes kids not to fully have faith and trust that their coaches have their best ineterst in mind. I think it's wrong and I am very candid about it. My wife says I am brutal when I speak about things I don't like -- about anyone and/or anything that hits those triggers. You can't just stop the symptoms of PTSD once they've started.
My wife tells me that I'm not the kind of person who suffers fools... at all. I have a stream of consciousness thought pattern where I think, then say things without first engaging my brain and filtering out the things that people don't like. She reminds me that I'm the adult, but even at the double-nickel, I can readily admit that my emotional growth stopped when I was 22 and in Vietnam. When I get stressed out, the PTSD takes over.
For this part of the class, they said it was OK to take more on the anti-anxiety drugs to stay mellow when times got bumpy. I ended up taking 6 mg. of Clonipin a day (two 1 mg tabs every 6 hours). It really f*cked me up and I had trouble walking and staying on my feet, but I was happy and content and not feeling any pain (emotional or physical).
In trying to make my relationship to my son a better one (we're mirror images of ourselves, me having been his role model, so he's a copy of me. I would imagine then that it's my fault that he is that way because I hate it... and realize that those to whom I directed it proabaly felt the same way. I asked what he wanted and he told me NOT to come to his games. He haated hearing that he was a great player but had a crazy and lazy father while all the other kid's parents worked and were successful. He disrespects my service and gets angry about it (none of the other parents or any of the coaches served in the armed forces).
After they went to bed, I had a brief thought of what kind of pistol I should buy but realized that sucking on the end of a .45 wasn't the answer. I had to dig deep inside and quell the violence I've kept hidden for so long. I called the VA Crisis/Suicide Hotline and spoke with one of the counselors for about an hour and she helped me understand that in spite of what others thought, that I was a good man with a good heart.
The PTSD social worker I saw this morning for an hour and a half told me pretty much the same thing and I feel a little better. She also reminded me that for me to heal, that it was good to FEEL things, so that they can be dealt with and I can move on with my life.
I was wondering what any of you thought? I'm open to ideas.
SF,
Larry:rolleyes: